The entire reason I need this blog is to calm my mind. It's not unlike yours. Or anyone else's. Constantly churning and sputtering about. Mostly useless information and drivel. It is my most sworn enemy and yet my only true companion; my source of misery and yet the only true antidote to my suffering. Let's be real. I don't mean suffering in that over-dramatic and melancholic way; it's more the day-to-day annoyances and bullshit of mistaken perceptions that slowly erode your peace. Maybe you feel the same way, maybe you don't even realize it's happening. Some people would term it as stress, worry, or anxiety. Turned backwards and opaque maybe you could name it depression.
As an aside - I am somewhat vexed by the people who say they never experience any issues of the Mind or Self. I think they are lying to themselves. Or haven't traveled far enough beyond the surface layer of Who they are. Or maybe they just handle it supremely well. Fuckers. I wasn't born with that ability. I suppose this is my journey in a nutshell...to get to the point where such external observations bother me in the least.
The funny thing about thoughts and worries is that the only way to stop them is by mastering that which creates them in the first place. "Be the master of yourself." I could read about this non-stop and I do. It's the actual consistency of action that gets difficult. I'm a creature of habit and it's hard to break what seems natural. That is why I have to write, perhaps. If I don't give life to the thoughts they compound and crash like hundreds of bumper cars or sometimes drown me like a torrential downpour. So here I am.
What is it like to be an over-thinker? A worrier? Someone trapped within the confines of their thoughts, always in an out-of-body experience set in the future? You become a good story teller, that's for sure. You are a master of jumping to conclusions and mind-reading. Even the most minute occurrence can spurn a chain reaction of dramatic overtone.
"She texted me back with only one word. ***Cue tightness in chest*** Clearly this means she's bored with me, doesn't want to see me and is uninterested in me. Once again I'm not good enough and she's probably going to break up with me. She's mad at me and I'm clearly annoying her with my question as to what time we are going to dinner tonight...."
"I have a meeting with my boss. ***Cue police car noises*** I can't remember the last time I met with him. His email sounded curt and he seemed completely pissed off at me. I'm positive I'm going to get berated for my shitty work or that one time I came in late. Fuck traffic. I'm going to get fired. My entire career will be over. I hope they are hiring at Wal-Mart."
I will take my Academy Award now...
I wonder if over-thinkers would make outstanding creative writers...I'm sure there's a study out there somewhere. And we would probably score high on the emotional IQ scale. Or maybe it's just me. I'm naturally on high alert for emotional or vibrational changes in people. I can "feel" people or so I like to think. I honestly attribute this to a security measure internalized in childhood growing up with a moody parent. Avoid emotional conflict at all costs because it hurts and I do not know what to do with it. Be perfect. Read their mood. Stay out of the way of emotional extremes. Sometimes I just think it's my inclination to assume once again. You feel like the emotional atmosphere, positive or negative, between you and another person is on your shoulders. You have the magical ability to control others' moods and it's your fault when things feel off kilter.
You could say deep in the soul of over-analysis lies insecurity and/or low self-esteem. This could be part of it but I'll get there in another post. I think control and understanding of the judgment over our thoughts is just not something we are traditionally taught. I never took AP Calm-yourself or Judge-Ye-Thoughts-Not 101. We are too busy just "doing" to realize our undoing and what to do about it. Until it catches up to us and smacks us in the face as though we have walked into a pole when we weren't looking. And it's shitty and sucks and you feel like you're going crazy....but you aren't. I wasn't. I'm not. If we drive ourselves crazy we can drive ourselves right out of Crazytown. That's the conundrum. The thoughts lead to a dull, grey blanket being draped over you - it's uncomfortable yet familiar and you want to just lay with it. You can take the blanket off at any time with the reminder that it's not real and there's another choice. It's just a thought. Not a truth. You don't have to lie down. Self-motherfucking mastery. That's what I seek to accomplish.
Who's with me?
As an aside - I am somewhat vexed by the people who say they never experience any issues of the Mind or Self. I think they are lying to themselves. Or haven't traveled far enough beyond the surface layer of Who they are. Or maybe they just handle it supremely well. Fuckers. I wasn't born with that ability. I suppose this is my journey in a nutshell...to get to the point where such external observations bother me in the least.
The funny thing about thoughts and worries is that the only way to stop them is by mastering that which creates them in the first place. "Be the master of yourself." I could read about this non-stop and I do. It's the actual consistency of action that gets difficult. I'm a creature of habit and it's hard to break what seems natural. That is why I have to write, perhaps. If I don't give life to the thoughts they compound and crash like hundreds of bumper cars or sometimes drown me like a torrential downpour. So here I am.
What is it like to be an over-thinker? A worrier? Someone trapped within the confines of their thoughts, always in an out-of-body experience set in the future? You become a good story teller, that's for sure. You are a master of jumping to conclusions and mind-reading. Even the most minute occurrence can spurn a chain reaction of dramatic overtone.
"She texted me back with only one word. ***Cue tightness in chest*** Clearly this means she's bored with me, doesn't want to see me and is uninterested in me. Once again I'm not good enough and she's probably going to break up with me. She's mad at me and I'm clearly annoying her with my question as to what time we are going to dinner tonight...."
"I have a meeting with my boss. ***Cue police car noises*** I can't remember the last time I met with him. His email sounded curt and he seemed completely pissed off at me. I'm positive I'm going to get berated for my shitty work or that one time I came in late. Fuck traffic. I'm going to get fired. My entire career will be over. I hope they are hiring at Wal-Mart."
I will take my Academy Award now...
I wonder if over-thinkers would make outstanding creative writers...I'm sure there's a study out there somewhere. And we would probably score high on the emotional IQ scale. Or maybe it's just me. I'm naturally on high alert for emotional or vibrational changes in people. I can "feel" people or so I like to think. I honestly attribute this to a security measure internalized in childhood growing up with a moody parent. Avoid emotional conflict at all costs because it hurts and I do not know what to do with it. Be perfect. Read their mood. Stay out of the way of emotional extremes. Sometimes I just think it's my inclination to assume once again. You feel like the emotional atmosphere, positive or negative, between you and another person is on your shoulders. You have the magical ability to control others' moods and it's your fault when things feel off kilter.
You could say deep in the soul of over-analysis lies insecurity and/or low self-esteem. This could be part of it but I'll get there in another post. I think control and understanding of the judgment over our thoughts is just not something we are traditionally taught. I never took AP Calm-yourself or Judge-Ye-Thoughts-Not 101. We are too busy just "doing" to realize our undoing and what to do about it. Until it catches up to us and smacks us in the face as though we have walked into a pole when we weren't looking. And it's shitty and sucks and you feel like you're going crazy....but you aren't. I wasn't. I'm not. If we drive ourselves crazy we can drive ourselves right out of Crazytown. That's the conundrum. The thoughts lead to a dull, grey blanket being draped over you - it's uncomfortable yet familiar and you want to just lay with it. You can take the blanket off at any time with the reminder that it's not real and there's another choice. It's just a thought. Not a truth. You don't have to lie down. Self-motherfucking mastery. That's what I seek to accomplish.
Who's with me?
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